Friends

"Show me your friends and I'll show you your future.” – Dan Pena

In March 2023, I started reporting on a piece about juvenile crime. I had finished a long Fentanyl series in November 2022, and I was ready for the next big story. At the time, the news across the country revealed an uptick in juvenile crime, and I remember watching “The First 48,” one night about a 14-year-old boy arrested for homicide.

As police interviewed him in the interrogation room, I was struck by how they kept asking him questions about murder as he unwrapped and ate mini-Kit Kats and Snickers while drinking a Coke. There were wrappers strewn about on the table, and the paradox of this young kid eating candy while being interviewed about killing someone was both fascinating and horrifying. I looked at my son later that evening and pictured the ring of chocolate that always remained around his mouth after he ate Kit Kats and Snickers. Then I pictured him arrested for murder. I couldn’t.

I don’t think any mom really can but it’s happening – at an alarming rate, not at an unprecedented rate like some media claims, but alarming, nonetheless. There was a spike in juvenile crime in the late 1980s and early 1990s and again post-COVID, according to stats from the Uniformed Crime Reporting Program, published data from the FBI.

In one second, with one choice, everything can change. When I started reporting on this piece, that’s what I really wanted to understand – why are kids murdering? Why are they making that choice? What led up to the choice? How do we raise kids who don’t make those choices?

There’s a reason this piece took me two years to write. It’s heavy and complicated and at the end of the day, these are kids who are committing horrific crimes. While the criminal justice system is hard enough to navigate as an adult, the juvenile justice system is even harder. The system was created to protect the rights of children and to do everything they can to create second chances.

I gathered hours of recorded interviews and pages of research and 33 different documents, and as I sat down to organize and tell this story from the point of view of a mother who is trying to understand how to prevent her kids from going down the wrong path, all of the information I had was reactive – gathered after the crime was committed. I didn’t want to show the reactive side. I wanted to understand proactively in my corner of the world, how can I raise good kids who make good decisions?

I interviewed a man who was arrested when he was 16 years old for second-degree murder. He told me he was a follower when he was younger and liked to follow the older kids in the neighborhood. His dad left him when he was young, and he was raised by a single mom who worked a lot. He wanted to fit in, and he found that belonging through these kids. What they did, he did, and he was hooked on drugs when he was 11.

Another man I interviewed was 15 years old when he took the life of his friend, a 14-year-old girl. He was using drugs, they were hanging out together and she said something that set him off. He picked up a piece of metal and hit her with it. He came from a good, supportive family and did well in school, had a perfectionist mindset and was considered a good child with a bright future.

I interviewed a juvenile court judge who helped me understand this study called ACES (Adverse Childhood Experiences), which basically looks at markers to determine if a kid is headed down the wrong path. A score of 0 to 10 is used to indicate the number of traumatic experiences a person has had before the age of 18. Each type of trauma counts as one ACE, regardless of how many times it occurs. For example, if a parent is out of the house, that's one ACE, and being in foster care is another. The higher the ACE score, the higher the chances of a kid having a tough life and turning to crime. However, it’s complex. You can have an ACE score of 10 and never be in trouble and someone else can have an ACE score of 0 and get in trouble all the time. It’s a tool in the very deep and complicated kit of those navigating the juvenile justice system.

The one theme I heard repeatedly from everyone I interviewed was that environment shaped outcomes. The two adults I interviewed said they fell into the wrong crowd with the wrong friends which led them down the wrong path. And then I stumbled upon this quote by motivational speaker Jim Rohn: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

That quote was the invisible string that tied all this together, and I realized I didn’t have to write a series about Juvenile Crime to help other parents. I can write about belonging and connection and creating a space for kids to feel welcomed and included.

As the fictitious and wisdom-filled Harry Bosch always says, “Everybody counts or nobody counts.”

Here’s what I know. Human beings are wired for connection and belonging and the part of the brain that tells us that is as old as the saber tooth tiger bones displayed at the American Museum of Natural History. Ten thousand years ago, when we were cavepeople trying to survive, we needed to be part of a pack, or we literally would have starved to death. When we were rejected from that pack, our brains told us that we were going to die. Because we probably were. I mean, who can hunt alone?

In modern times, when we feel rejected, our brains think we are going to starve and die. It’s the same messaging even though times have changed. Same brain. Same body. Different time period.

But that’s why our kids feel so shitty when they are left out. That’s why we feel so shitty when they are left out.

That’s why they often choose friends of opportunity or geography until they are older and they find their people. They don’t want to feel shitty. And who blames them?

When my daughter was entering middle school, it was the year after COVID shut everything down. She was 11 years old and trying to find herself and friends. She invited a new friend over to spend the night. We had plans to go see a play and go out to eat. This girl spent the whole night making fun of my daughter, in front of me and my husband. It was awful. And the worst part is that my daughter laughed with her. Right before they went to bed, I pulled my daughter aside and asked, “Are you OK with the way she is treating you?”

“Yeah, that’s like how she jokes around with me,” she said. “It’s fine.”

But it wasn’t. It was the first and last time that kid slept over at our house because a few weeks later, she told me that she really didn’t like the way she was being treated and decided to find different friends. I didn’t tell her to find different friends, I just leaned in and asked her if she was OK with how that friend was treating her. I treated her friend the same way I would treat anyone who entered our home, and when the friendship fizzled out, there was no drama, they just both moved forward.

My son’s friends are neighborhood kiddos and he has been friends with them for years. They park their bikes in front of our home, know the code to open the garage door, where the snacks are and how to calm our barking dog. They know when they are here that the amount of time they can play video games is equal to or less than the amount of time they spend playing outside and if they haven’t eaten lunch, there’s always something to pop in the air fryer. They play baseball in the front yard and I care more about them having fun than I do about the dead patch of grass that probably won’t grow back because that’s where their batters box is. They know when the streetlights come on, it’s time for them to go home and if their moms can’t reach them, they can always reach me.

So here’s what I learned. It matters who your kids are friends with, AND all kids matter. Get curious with your kiddos. Be there when they want to talk. If you have teenagers, they don’t want advice. They want to know you care enough to listen and most of the time they are going to talk late at night. Stay up. Lean in.

Get to know their friends. Be the house that’s open for all to come and hang out at. Don’t worry about being judged for not having the biggest home or nicest yard or the most Pinterest-y kitchen. Kids don’t care about that stuff. I promise you they are not judging you on your clutter or whether your baseboards are clean. They want a safe place to hang out where they feel comfortable and welcome. They want connection and belonging. They want cheap popsicles and a place to fill their water bottles.

Teach your kids their worth. Ask them if they like the way they are being treated, challenge them if they are not treating other kids kindly but remind them that it’s OK if they don’t like someone and it’s OK if someone doesn’t like them. Worthiness is not based on someone else’s opinions. We are all here for a purpose. Stand tall, keep your flame shining bright and always make space for someone else’s flame to shine bright.

Teach them the difference between fitting in and belonging and that middle and high school is not the time where humans typically reach their peak. And that’s OK. It’s a tiny little blip on a long journey of life. But if you don’t pay attention to who they’re friends with, if you don’t make your home a place of safety and belonging, they may try to find it somewhere else. Let them know that no matter what, they belong. They’re human and they’re on earth. That’s enough. Finding their people who they can be themselves with takes time and it takes trying on a lot of friendships and figuring out which one fits at a particular time in their lives. Loneliness is part of that. That feeling is OK. It passes. I promise.

I always teach my kids that there are friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for life. Sometimes it takes a long time to find those friends for life. Teach them to surround themselves with people who are going to build them up, not cut them down. Have hard conversations with them. It’s awkward and weird and super uncomfortable. But it’s OK. It’s better that you’re the one they’re awkward, weird and uncomfortable with than them finding someone else to have these conversations with.

And remember, you’re their lighthouse. The brighter you shine, the more they will learn to shine bright, too. Be a light, no matter how choppy the waters are below. Your light will shine onto them and they will in turn, attract light, too.

 November 17, 2024