Behind the selfie

“The authentic self is the soul made visible.” — Sarah Ban Breathnach

I’m part of a wellness group called Strong Mom. There are 670 women in this group. Some I have met in person. Most, I have not. But we are all connected by an invisible string of authenticity and the desire to live a wholehearted life. We want to wake up in the morning and feel like the world is not falling apart around us and that the expectations the world places on us are not ours to do. We decide what we want for ourselves and our families. We understand that it starts with each one of us. We show up for ourselves and we make the rules.

There’s not a ton of rules we live by because everyone’s journey is different, but the main few are to leave your bullshit at the door, show up for yourself and put your fucking oxygen mask on first. And yes, there is a lot of cursing in this group. I love it.

I have been part of Strong Mom since March 2022. The membership includes a social media platform called Skool, and while I have been critical of social media platforms in the past, this group fills my feed and my soul with so much wisdom that I often find myself sharing the abundance of knowledge with others. It’s a place where you can post about the shame spiral that follows after yelling at your teenager or being snarky with your husband because you didn’t sleep enough, and you are immediately surrounded by woman from South Dakota to South Carolina who offer compassion and connectivity with a few simple words, “Oh yeah, I’ve been there too. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

It's a place where you can share wins, either weight loss or adding more weight to your workout and you’re immediately supported and lifted up. What Strong Mom lacks in jealousy and comparison, it thrives in connection and support. It’s a beautiful place to be with the most beautiful souls.

About three times per week, I snap a sweaty selfie and post it to Skool. These are the only selfies I take and my phone has tons and tons of these shots. They are part of the Strong Mom experience. The thought process is, again, connection. Show yourself after a workout – no makeup, no mask, lots of sweat – and it creates space where others will do it, too.

So I take the photos, and I post them. With a red face and a wide smile, I give a thumbs up, and snap the picture, proud of myself and also that the workout is over. I’m usually in my backyard with the pool behind me. It’s my favorite place to work out because it’s outside and unless it’s ridiculously cold or stifling hot, that’s where I’m at. In that one moment, the world feels great. My dopamine and serotonin levels are at an all time high, and I feel stronger and motivated to tackle the day, but that’s just a moment of my life, and on a group call the other night, the topic was about leaning in and asking for help when things get tough. And it made me think of what was behind my sweaty selfie.

So I wrote this piece in my journal. So fast. So furious, like a word dump that landed in pages and pages of scribbles. I don’t know what this is – if it’s a poem or a short story or a journal entry. But I do know this. This is me being vulnerable about my life over the last two weeks, and if it helps someone else, it’s worth sharing.

“Behind the selfie”

Behind the selfie is a pool and a backyard and a fuzzy camera and a messy bun and the imprint of my tears dripping onto the concrete as I fold over in grief and despair, respecting my loved ones’ space but wanting so badly to help and fix their pain.

Behind the selfie are eyes and ears and a brain that won’t turn off because some days it runs a mile a minute from four days of broken sleep and exciting opportunities ahead.

Behind the selfie are job changes, grief for the chapter I’m closing, anticipation for the one beginning. Purpose and calling and faith and fear and sadness and the hand that is leading me into the unknown.

Behind the selfie are moments of gratitude and breaths of grief and laughter and a roller coaster of feelings without any warning of upcoming curves or loops. It’s a blindfolded life sometimes, with cracks of light seeping in.

Behind the selfie is a messy life with a neat home and grounded people and a belief that in the end it will be OK. And if it’s not OK, it’s not the end.

Behind the selfie are fleeting feelings, a slow-dance of sadness, wobbly joy – each leaving as quickly as they arrive. It’s knowing that feelings change and life changes but that’s that’s where we grow.

Behind the selfie is a 46-year-old holding on tightly to her inner 9-year-old, hand over heart, promising her that hope is as steady as the giant oak tree that shades her back yard and the courage she lives in, will always guide her.  She’s a woman who continues to grieve the loss of her dad and prays hard for the health of her mom.

Behind the selfie is a mom teaching her kids about the shades of gray that cover our world – hoping they shy away from duality thinking and instead, push themselves into the uncomfortable and sometimes lonely gray space where authenticity blooms and compassion thrives.

Behind the selfie is me.

An imperfect human being, navigating an imperfect world with a purpose to help and heal in as many ways as I can.

January 19, 2025